Time

It’s a scary word isn’t it? Time.

It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently, and I’ll admit it, it scares the absolute hell out of me. And yet, I get told all of the time how much of it I still have in front of me. It’s not as simple as that though is it?

I am a 25 – soon to be 26 year old – aspiring writer and photographer. I still live at home with my parents and I am only just learning to drive. I graduated university in 2018 with a BSc in photojournalism, who still has dreams that one day that degree will get put to use. I am single and incredibly ambitious, so much so that I have to be brutally honest with myself, when I say I am not successful in my career whatsoever – and yes that’s painful to admit, but I believe there to be an element of power in ones truth, and that for now is mine.

I could list endlessly how that is not what I wanted or expected for myself by this age. Since I was a child, doing what I loved for my career was all that ever seemed most important, and that still rings true today. But a lot of things didn’t turn out as I had planned, I was let down by many people and some things I just wasn’t ready for yet. I look back constantly at those decisions that led me to where I am today and torture myself with how I could have done things differently. What would have happened if I had felt more guided in high school? Where would I be now if I hadn’t of gone to university? What job would I have? Would I have learned to drive earlier if I didn’t go to university? Would I have met someone by now? Would I still be living with my parents? Would I have been more successful? These are just a few of many and I bet that you, like me, have your own set of similar questions yourself.

These days, people my age are forever looking at that inescapable ticking face. Watching the minutes and days go by that too quickly turn into months and years. Time disappearing right in front of us, slipping through our fingers. We’ve become a generation where we feel compelled to compare ourselves to each other so much, that we also compare the time we each have. We will stare at our reflections and only see the things we haven’t achieved, compared to those of our class mates that have. We are surrounded by friends, family and strangers who we share birth years and high school memories with, who at certain points in our lives, we were always on the same level as. Then all of a sudden, it feels like we are thrust into some invisible race. A race that only the hands of a clock can foresee. That’s why time is so terrifying, it is utterly and completely out of our control, so all we can do – all any of us can do – is our best with what we have been given.

I cannot count however, the amount of times that I have been told that I have loads of time to still get where I want in life, but being told that doesn’t stop you from feeling scared, because you know that with every second that passes is a second that you have lost, and you worry if you spent it well. I have many friends who at this point in their lives, all seem to have everything worked out, they are settled with partners or husbands, they have their own houses or kids and they are happy in their careers. But what about those of us that are nowhere near any of that yet? Are we wasting our time? Are we not using it good enough? Are we doing things wrong? Should we have everything figured out, just because everyone else does? Are we running out of time, to get where they are?

I know I am not alone in having these thoughts and I know how hard they are not to let consume you. I struggle all of the time, to believe and trust that my time is meant to be spent differently. None of us are meant to be on the same path or journey because we were never meant to stay on the same level as each other, like we were in high school. I realise, that just because I’ve not got the job I want right now, doesn’t mean I never will and that maybe this time of my continued perseverance, is what is meant for me to help me grow. I realise, that I wasn’t ready to learn to drive 5 years ago, but I feel ready now and this time is right for me. I realise, that meeting someone, always happens in its own time and that when that does happen, kids and my own place will follow, again, in it’s own time.

I guess in some way, I do believe I have plenty of time ahead of me to get where I want to be, but it’s just not as simple as saying it. Why is that you may ask? Because we never stop wanting to better ourselves, we want to grow, we want to change and we want to progress. We want to see and know that our time isn’t being wasted, we want the time we put into our lives to mean something, because the horrid reality of time, is that we never actually know how much of it we have left.

So yes, I may not have my own house, I may not have kids, I may not have the job I really want or a car of my own, but the point to all of that is, I don’t have them YET. Trust that it will all come together and that all those things that you compare your life to others for, if you want it and you work for it enough, will one day be yours too. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel bad about it, don’t allow yourself to feel inferior because of it. Own it. Own where you are in your life right now and trust in your time, that way, you know no matter how much of it you have left, you know it won’t have been wasted.

Trust in your time.